Quit, or we'll fire you

jacobs_ladder submitted 549 days ago

I was working long shifts in a software firm. The mainframe I worked on had too much traffic during the day, which forced me to work the midnight shifts if I hoped to ever finish my projects.

After 3 yeasrs, not only was it better to work the midnight shift because of the computer's speed, but also, since I was becomming more senior, there were too many "newbies" needing help if I worked during the day.

But during the last 6 months, I noticed some changes in my body. I began to have some kind of heart palpitations, and difficulty focusing.

On one of the days when I worked during core hours, I mentioned the heart palpitations to my boss, and he said I should go straight to the doctors. I was not about to go, since I had too much work to do. But suddenly the power went out in the whole building and everyone was told they could take the rest of the day off. My boss asked me again to see the doctor and I did.

That day, my life changed. The doctor need only talk to me for half an hour before having me try a little questionaire. The questionaire asked stress related questions like: Do you have trouble sleeping? Do you frequenly cry? Do you have feelings of suicide? etc. I answered no to these, but yes to some others, like do you have difficulty concentrating? Do you feel irritable? Do you have digestive symptoms, Do you feel like too many people are depending on you?

I figured I would get about 20% on the questionaire, indicating that I was not stressed. But after he scored the questionaire, which was weighted in a peculiar way to target people like me, I got a 89% score, indicating that I was "Severely Depressed, and an extreme danger to myself or others"

Suddenly, I felt like a ton of bricks had landed on my chest. How could this be? I didn't feel especially sad, or lonely, or worried, or even overworked, really. But he ordered that I take 1 month off.

That month was the strangest month of my life. I felt so guilty for not attending work. My boss called me sometimes to see how I was doing, and I would not tell him my diagnosis, which made him feel like I didn't trust him. This also made me feel awful, since my boss had almost been like a father to me.

By the end of that month, I was a wreck. I was feeling afraid to go outside, I was too confused to do simple tasks like make myself breakfast, and too messed up to plan my laundy schedule so that I would have clean clothes etc.

There are many more details surrounding my private life as well, (had a girlfriend who lived with me, and she was probably even more messed up than I was)

After 3 months of leave, I was ordered to see the company doctor. I was petrified. I had to go to work, I might bump into anyone who could ask me "where have you been?" "how are you?", "you don't LOOK sick" etc. But luckily I managed to get in and out without incident.

The doctor spoke with me, and could see that I was increadibly anxious just being there. I told him how I felt fine the morning of the the power failure, but then everything fell apart. He told me I needed a change of lifestyle.

My friend, who was teaching english in Japan for a sort of working holiday, suggested that I do the same. I managed to pack up some things and fly to japan using the company credit card. From there I worked for 2 weeks before deciding that this was infact possible for me to do, despite my condition. At this point I litterally had to force myself to eat, and my friend had to put up with a lot of crying bouts, but we managed together. Finally I emailed my boss and told him that I was in Japan. The next day I got a letter from human resources. "quit, or we'll fire you" I guess collecting a sick leave paycheck while working somewhere else is not a good idea!

I quit, and after 3 years I am 90% recovered. I say 90% because sometimes I still get the chest pains. I am still practising software engineering, though teaching english was really fun!

I was accustomed to pulling all nighters during my university days, but after 3 years of working about 70 percent of the time on night shifts, I thought maybe there is some connection.