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Secret emails from the NFL
Posted by Fired Fred on January 2, 2008 1:26 PM
The regular season came to an end. My Chargers get the three seed in spite of Norv Turner's coaching. The GM who masterminded last year's coaching fiasco, A.J. Smith, got a freaking extension.
Words fail me.
A few people didn't receive Bizarro-world consideration from their bosses. Here's what the emails looked like on Bloody Monday, the day after the end of the season.
From: Big Tuna
To: RMueller@dolphins.com
Subject: Your job
Randy Mueller,
You drafted Ginn and Beck instead of Brady Quinn. The team finished 1-15. Bullethead wanted to take a contract out on you with one of these Jamaican drug gangs, but I think I talked him into just letting me fire you.
When security comes to escort you out, check for dreadlocks anyway. Chromedome might have changed his mind.
Bill
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From: Steve Biscotti
To: Brian Billick
Subject: You don't know QBs
I am so glad the season is over so I don't have to break my customary promise not to talk to the media during the year. Brian, you don't know quarterbacks, you can't run an offense, and the team hates your guts. Get the hell out and be glad I don't take Ray Lewis up on his offer to have a couple of his friends meet you in the parking lot to discuss cutlery with you. Out OUT OUT!!! I've got a press conference in five minutes.
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From: Teflon GM (mmillen@detroitlions.com)
To: Mike Martz (Ogenius@detroitlions.com)
Subject: See ya fall guy
Yeah, I know it would make more sense for Mr. Ford to have me dropped into the lake wearing nothing but a Ford pickup, but guess what? I get yet another free pass on a failed Lions season. Again.
Hahahahahaha. Take your kid with you, bitch. You're fired. I'm not.
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From: Carl Peterson (gm@kcchiefs.com)
To: KC Chiefs fans
Subject: me and Herm ain't leaving
Never underestimate the power of discreet photographs when it comes to dealing with ownership. So the Chiefs had their worst season since Jimmy Carter was in office. We fired some of the coaching staff, but me and Herm, we play to win the game, and the game is "keep our fat paychecks." Don't forget, season ticket prices go up next week.
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