Dude, you're losing the Bear Stearns gig Finally, a CEO may be on the way out of his job for a totally awesome reason. They think he was toking up in Memphis three years ago.

That seems awfully harsh, but Jimmy Cayne has made plenty of people feel really down about stuff like massive hedge funds collapsing...

Cayne has been criticized for spending too much time playing bridge and golf while Bear stumbled this summer on wrong-way bets on subprime mortgages. Two Bear-run hedge funds collapsed, a crisis that unfolded as Cayne, a world-class bridge player, competed in a tournament in Nashville.

That's going to make the next job interview for Joint Jammin' Jimmy pretty uncool. "So why did you leave your last job?" "Dude, they totally harshed me for partaking, brah, can you believe it?"

Yeah, brah, I can believe it. Totally.

Image courtesy Reuters

Lawyer hunter fired for hunting protected lawyers Christine Anderson used to track down lawyers in New York as part of the state's court system's disciplinary procedures. When she found lots of evidence of misconduct, she would turn those lawyers in for punishment.

I know you'll be shocked by this, but not all of those lawyers got punished. Some of them got off thanks to Christine's bosses stepping in and taking care of their pals. Then they fired Christine.

She's pissed, she's got a lawyer, and she wants money...

Fred K. Brewington, the Long Island lawyer representing Ms. Anderson, said she had been harassed on the job continuously, beginning in 2005, after she raised questions about Ms. Cohen’s relationship with a lawyer representing another lawyer who was under review. Despite strong evidence of misconduct by the lawyer in that case, he said, the complaint was dismissed and a file containing Ms. Anderson’s investigation disappeared.

Ms. Anderson is seeking $10 million in damages, as well as punitive damages and lawyer’s fees for what her suit described as the “irreparable injury,� “mental anguish and humiliation� of being fired without cause.

Normally I'd suggest the way lawyers should settle their disputes would be in a locked room, filled with razor wire and sharp knives, on pay per view, but this one seems to have a case. Darn it.

Wal-Mart Julie ends her lawsuit Looks like the Wal-Martians managed to outspend everyone's favorite former Wallyworld marketing executive. Julie Roehm and the retailer people love to hate have dropped their lawsuits...

"The sole purpose for filing the lawsuit was to recover the severance pay that was outlined in that contract. I thought that a settlement agreement would be reached within a few weeks. Instead, the lawsuit has expanded into other issues, and has become more difficult and financially draining than I ever imagined," Roehm said in her statement obtained by CNNMoney.com.

Moral of the story? Don't sue billionaires unless your last name is Gates, Buffett, or Google. Julie can go on with her life, which may or may not include her former subordinate, who showed up with her in a video from an awards show a few months after she was accused of banging him like a screen door in a hurricane.

Nice visual, isn't it? Yeah, I know Richard Parsons and Charles Prince got pushed out the doors of Time Warner and Citigroup. I know plenty of guys are excited about the cheerleading coach getting fired over her hot naked pics.

What can I say? Wal-Mart Julie was a lot more interesting to write about. Now she's broke, probably divorced too, it's just a matter of time until the Playboy Pictorial.

Your boss won't get fired CNN has a bunch of reasons why the twisted insane bloodsucking ghoul passing itself off as your coworker or your boss won't be fired despite needing two tries to figure out right from left.

The old standby of relationships topped the list. Sure the jerkoff isn't sleeping with the boss, but she may be playing golf with him. Or helping Uncle CEO set up the tables at the annual summer gathering on the Cape.

Yeah, you just shot your mouth off like that big-ass gun Dirty Harry used to show people before he blew .44 caliber holes in them. Woops. Shouldn't have speculated if the big boss kidnapped toddlers on his own or hired someone to do it for him.

They've got a bunch of other reasons, including one I know you've suspected...

In their book "Snakes in Suits," Paul Babiak, Ph.D. and Robert D. Hare, Ph.D., explain that a surprising number of workplaces employ psychopaths.

While psychopaths make up 1 percent of the general population, Babiak and Hare found that 3.5 percent of the executives they worked with "fit the profile of the psychopath."

Psychopathic employees are pathological liars who get away with doing little or no work. They charm senior management with their "leadership potential," con co-workers into covering for them, and successfully blame others for their mistakes.

I'm thinking 3.5 percent is pretty freaking low. What do you think? The comment section isn't just for show, ya know.

They feared his old porn career A couple of guys in Surprise, Arizona must have watched way too many tapes from the back of the old video stores. They were so terrified that Geoff Mena had been in the adult video business in the past that they got him fired from his job.

Someone calling himself 'a concerned parent' sent a letter complaining about Geoff's past...

"My friend and I were talking to the tennis pro, Geoff Mena, about lessons, tournaments, etc. for our families. Once we returned home, we decided to 'google' his name to check his teaching credentials. It was at this time that we discovered that he also is involved in the adult entertainment industry. As a former Marine, I am certainly not a prude, but, after some discussion, Mr. Mena's other career made us wary of him teaching our wives, daughters and their teenage friends."

I can imagine what this non-prude must have been thinking. His wife goes for a tennis lesson, someone starts playing a funky bass line, she gets a repetitive lesson on the ins and outs of baseline play, another guy's wife comes in for mixed doubles, you get the idea.

Diplomats oddly wary of Iraq postings I'm completely shocked that State Department diplomats would rather be in Washington so they can enjoy their Redskins season tickets instead of lining up for a chance to dodge mortar fire and other assassination attempts in downtown Baghdad.

But that's the situation in Foggy Bottom, as volunteers for a one year visit to one of the most dangerous places on the planet simply haven't materialized. One diplomat even broke away from the nuanced language of diplomacy, calling a trip to Iraq "a death sentence."

State Department's kinda pissed about this, especially since it's a minority of diplomats making a stink and getting picked up by a media that hates the Bushies. They're threatening to fire people who won't go and lack a good excuse. One of their diplomats currently in Iraq ripped the whiners a new one...

We all know that few FSOs will REALLY be forced to come to Iraq anyway. Our system really does not work like that. This sound and fury at Foggy Bottom truly signifies nothing. Get over it! I do not think many Americans feel sorry for us and it is embarrassing for people with our privileges to paint ourselves as victims.

Come on, diplomats. Just pack some SPF 70 sunblock and an armored vest. You've got Marines guarding you. Besides, it's been nearly 30 years since anyone tried taking over an American embassy in the Middle East. What's the problem?

Nude sleepwalkers and fairy princes Nice weird start to the week. Makes for easy blogging.

Three times was a bit much...

"The Moma incident involved Mr Donal Kinsella opening Deirdre Corcoran's bedroom door on three separate occasions during the night and appearing naked at her door," a Kenmare spokesperson said.

"This was both unpleasant and distressing for Ms Corcoran."

Thankfully there were no photos to corroborate this story. I can't say the same about the banking intern who showed up on Valleywag caught on camera in fairy costume, bearing a Busch Light and a magic wand.

Kevin Colvin emailed his bosses to beg off work the day after Halloween, citing a family emergency. Someone dug up his enchanting photo on Facebook the next day, after it had been taken at a party during the time of his alleged emergency.

The pic ended up with his boss, who replied to Kevin's email with the picture attached and the comment "cool wand."

The photo is making the rounds, so if Kevin hadn't outed himself before, this took care of it for him. Can you say "fabulous?" Sure, I knew you could.

I'll be away from the keyboard, bleaching my eyeballs. Have a nice day.

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OH NOES! Could Fred be doomed? Your humble blogger of tales of the fired, all 376 posts' worth of me, has been confronted with something so fearsome, so terrifying, that small children should leave the Internet now before I continue. Ladies, you might want to have a handkerchief ready.

Sachin wants to chat tomorrow. Not by email or IM either. By phone.

I don't have the words. Scary comes to mind when the nice person who approves my invoices says he'd like to talk.

Have I caused offense? Has some hapless, deserving target of my jibes turned out to have rich uncle with a sense of humor that expired around the time the last Marx Brothers movie hit the big screen?

Or, dear sweet merciful heavens, have I committed the ultimate crime? Have I been unfunny?

Am I about to be hoisted upon my own blog? Fired Fred Fired For Failing Funny?

Damn damn damn. I'd better make sure the ramen and the toilet paper has been stocked up. Thai takeout goes back to being a blissful dream instead of a semi-regular indulgence.

Maybe I won't have to give up cable. Ha. Who am I kidding?

Futon Of Love, get ready to absorb some more tears.

You know, in a way, this isn't such a bad thing. I could be attending Quinnipiac University, and editing the student paper.

Jason Braff may not be doing that for much longer...

The editor of Quinnipiac University's student-run newspaper has been told by school administrators to stop criticizing the university publicly or leave his post.

Jason Braff, editor of the Quinnipiac Chronicle, may "need to reconsider" his position at the paper if he continues to speak publicly against university policy, wrote Dean of Students Manuel C. Carreiro, the university's vice president.

See, Jason, that First Amendment thing doesn't apply to college papers. If the man, I mean the Dean, wants to hold you back, he can do it. Speak out on campus, get fired.

At least you don't have to worry about stocking up on double-roll two-ply, since the university restocks the bathrooms for you. I have to start comparing unit prices on the shelves at Ralphs again. Possibly.

Top 10 changes in Fred's life Well that chat with Sachin went well. I can't get into the specifics of course, except that I'm not as fired as I thought I'd be. However, as I expected, there will be a few changes at Fred Central.

10) Old DVD viewing plan: Netflix. New DVD viewing plan: standing around inside Fry's on the weekends to watch whatever DVD's on the display flat screens.
9) So long, two ply softness in the porcelain throne room. Yo ho, yo ho, it's single ply for me.
8) A lot more veggies in Fred's diet. Lots lots more.
7) And ramen. Especially ramen.
6) Beer? Ha haha ha. The only way a six pack of Harp's will get into my place is if there's a commercial for it on the Internet.
5) Rediscovering the library and hoping the normal daily allowance of perverts stick to the computers and stay away from the magazines.
4) Good thing sleeping's still free.
3) Sorry, I can't afford a whole top ten list.

Let's just say I'm feeling solidarity with the writers on strike in Hollywood.

Nunsense! Sisters act out, get fired As a devout follower of Epicurean Taoism, I'm not what you'd call a scholar when it comes to religion. What I know about nuns could fit inside the next Sister Act sequel.

I never would have guessed nuns could be fired, at least not by people. Aren't nuns making a holy pact when they sign up for convent life? I guess not, because here's a few who decided they were mad as heck about some added duties and weren't going to take it anymore...

Nuns know they are signing up for a hard life when they take their vows, stretching from dawn prayers to gruelling missionary work, but three nuns working in a community near Rome decided they had been pushed too far when the local bishop demanded they double up as personal cleaners for two ageing priests.

After digging in their heels they were fired for their disobedience by the bishop, Marcello Semeraro, according to La Stampa newspaper.

They said about 1500 people signed a letter complaining about the nuns getting fired. I think it would be great if people in other jobs could get that kind of support when their bosses make unrealistic demands that don't involve slippery body parts.

Carr drives away from Ann Arbor I saw this coming at the beginning of September after the Wolverines took the biggest loss ever in the history of college football. Losing at home to Appalachian State didn't end the Michigan season even though no one knew it at the time.

Getting waxed by Oregon didn't end their season either, and no one knew nearly every other team in college football would lose bizarre games all season long.

Then Lloyd Carr's team lost to Ohio State again. 1-6 in the last seven years against the chief rival doesn't make wealthy, capricious alumni willing to part with millions of dollars in donations to the good old boy endowment fund.

The guy did have a national championship under his belt. Not everyone believed he should have been pushed into retirement...

One doesn't get the sense that Michigan fans are sad to see Lloyd Carr ride off into the coaching sunset. They might appreciate the man, but the coach in Lloyd Carr is receiving incredibly short shrift from the Wolverine fan base and the larger community of college football commentators and analysts.

Coach was making about $347,000 a year, so unless he spent it all on Magic the Gathering booster packs he should be ok.

There was another college football coach getting fired today, Guy Morriss at Baylor, but no one cares about Baylor football.

Circuit City wants to unfire its fired workers Ha ha ha. Circuit City made one of those textbook mass firings happen back in March. They wanted to cut costs so they ditched their 3,400 highest paid employees in the usual bloodletting that Corporate America loves so much.

The move came back like a ninja, sneaking into Circuit City's room and slitting its April sales with the keen edged blade of clueless employees frustrating big-ticket buyers.

An amazing bit of karma coming around to bite Circuit City on its collective C-level asses was revealed at Consumerist. They want some of those fired people back, and sent one of them a letter that promptly ended up on the blog...

I was one of the 3400 employees let go by Circuit City in March because leading my department to number one in the region for the month of December didn't mean I was worth $11.35/hour. Whatever, I was quitting to get married and substitute teach in two months anyway, so it was fine with me. Anyway, today I received this letter that I thought was cute:

Dear [redacted],

This letter is a special invitation to rejoin the Circuit City team. We're a new Circuit City with a lot to offer our customers...and you. If you're interested - and I hope you are - we have a position waiting for you at any Circuit City superstore.

I think this ex-employee has a position he'd like to suggest to Circuit City. Something involving painful contortions followed by the insertion of uncomfortable objects into available orifices.

Fired, yeah, but the 8-year health plan was great The usual process after being fired, something which I've learned in my working career, means some HR drone cuts you out of all the extra stuff the company told you were great reasons for working for them.

Health care is really expensive, so the drones want to make sure you're cutoff or shunted onto a COBRA plan immediately. I know I was shocked to hear that some government HR person in Michigan screwed this up for Jackie Youhanian.

She got the county government approved pink slip almost as soon as she was hired. Someone forgot to tell the insurance company about that...

A woman who was fired after less than 10 days as a county worker ran up eight years and $230,000 worth of bills on her government-paid health insurance for cancer and other treatments, a prosecutor says.

The 38-year-old woman used her Macomb County-funded Blue Cross Blue Shield insurance to pay for care for ovarian cancer, multiple sclerosis and spinal problems, authorities say. They say Blue Cross investigators discovered the billings.

The prosecutor called this a criminal scheme. Yeah, it would have been much less expensive for them if she'd conveniently dropped dead, wouldn't it? Thanks heavens Congress and the White House will protect a big insurer like Blue Cross from the terror of anything resembling a single-payer healthcare system.

How long until January 20, 2009, anyway? Not soon enough, right?

Weak ACC football schools fire their coaches Want to make a Dallas Cowboys fan scream like he's just got a note from the IRS asking for his financial records? Say the name Chan Gailey to him, preferably when he's drinking. You'll get the whole beer through the nose routine if you time it right.

Oh, they won more than they lost in the two years he was there, but they lost in the first round of the playoffs both years. At Georgia Tech, they didn't even have that kind of success, and after six years of watching other teams get fat BCS paydays, they fired Chan before he could finish his Egg McMuffin today.

The school is on the hook for $4 million unless they can show cause for firing the coach, meaning unless the AD has pictures of Chan and the Yellowjacket mascot doing strange things with the stinger, he's getting a nice check for his Christmas shopping.

Duke's AD wasn't nearly as vicious as Tech's was in firing Duke's coach...

"Whenever you make a change, it's difficult," Duke athletics director Joe Alleva said as he announced the move this afternoon.

"It's really difficult when you have a man like Ted Roof, who exemplifies all the values and integrity that you want in a head coach."

I wonder if he managed that with a straight face. You have to know these schools are looking at Missouri, not exactly known for being a football powerhouse, being in position to play the BCS Championship game and pull down some serious green, and they're wondering why the hell their dumbass coach can't get them into that game.

Values and integrity don't mean crap when it means your school won't even be in the Weedwhacker Bowl, let alone the BCS.

Of course Missouri's going to choke against Oklahoma and put Ohio State in the 1 or 2 spot. Ohio State versus West Virginia, yeah, I know everyone can't wait for that game to happen.

London Tube's voice fired for being funny Emma Clarke will be looking for a new job doing voiceover work, after eight years of doing announcements for the London Underground. Apparently the tools running the Tube don't share that famed British sense of humor with, well, anyone else.

The Tubers accused Emma of criticizing the service. She says she was wildly misquoted.

Several of her announcements have been reposted elsewhere, after her web site got crushed by people hurrying over to see what all the fuss was about...

"What I actually said was that traveling in a Tube train would be dreadful for me, listening to my own voice and seeing the haunted faces of commuters being subjected to me telling them to 'mind the gap'" ..."I would find it quite an uncomfortable experience in the same way that when I call a company when I'm their on-hold voice and it's me saying - "please press 2 for accounts - it's a creepy experience to be honest".

One of her spoof messages said, "We'd like to remind our American tourist friends that you are almost certainly talking too loud." Come on, tell me that's not accurate.

Red Cross boss played with the wrong fluids After helping bleed taxpayers dry as head of the IRS for four years, Mark Everson looked like what the Red Cross needed to run its operations.

That lasted all of six months. Someone ratted out Marky Mark for doing some Boogie Nights renditions with a female subordinate.

To all my executive readers out there, and any guy who wants to be one someday, listen to your pal Fred. Nothing, nothing, nothing will get you fired faster than playing Fluid Donor and Naughty Nurse with a woman who's under you in ways beyond, and more physically challenging than, the corporate chain of command...

The Red Cross said its board of governors asked for and received Everson's resignation, effective immediately, after being notified about 10 days ago by a senior executive at the national office about Everson's relationship with a woman on the staff. The woman's name was not released.

"The board acted quickly after learning that Mr. Everson engaged in a personal relationship with a subordinate employee," a statement said. "It concluded that the situation reflected poor judgment on Mr. Everson's part and diminished his ability to lead the organization in the future."

The old horndog is married with two kids, but I'm betting that marriage thing becomes past tense pretty soon. That Chronicle report said Marky Mark's daughter said "people will like you now" after he got the Red Cross job.

You know, because no one likes the IRS? Ha ha. She was right. Someone liked her dad a lot. Boom chika bow bow.

Running the Red Cross looks like a tough gig. They've had five top leaders in six years. I guess the job sucks a lot out of you.

Yeah, I went there. Snap.

Fired? No, it's a different direction The land of rain and coffee has offered a virgin's opinion on the sports world invading corporate dictionaries.

Too much to think about, isn't it? I'll try again. A reporter named Virgin in Seattle thinks "We're going in a different direction" will be the sport's world's big contribution to what businesses say about the people they fire...

Consider how wonderfully weaselly that term is. Instead of having to actually provide an explanation for the firing (or retirement or non-renewal or separation) -- too old, not winning enough for the alumni, too many complaints from parents of pine-riding kids, not one of our minions -- its user can offer the sublimely vague justification of "moving in a different direction." One need not even specify what direction that is (other than to indicate the coach's direction is out the door).

I think there's one problem with that. If you tell your stockholders you've booted out the CEO because you want to go in a different direction, somebody is going to ask where you thought you were going to begin with.

"So why did you hire the last guy, did you want to go into three straight quarters of net losses?"

"No we thought we would do a lot better."

"So why should we trust your judgment now?"

"SECURITY!"

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