Carr Wreck With all due respect to Sporting News blogger aajoe7, who's defending Michigan coach Lloyd Carr, I don't see why the coach deserves defending.

Michigan lost both its games last year after Bo Schembechler died, and nobody in Ann Arbor expected to lose a home opener to a I-AA, or whatever the hell the division is called now, team, no matter how good Appalachian State was supposed to be.

Loser Lloyd didn't have his fifth-ranked and maybe overrated team ready to play a beatable team in its opener in the Big House. Michigan could win or lose every game from now to Thanksgiving, and their chances to compete for a national championship are the same. Zero. Nada. Zilch. No way.

There's no way Michigan can bring him back next year. First day of September, and the Michigan season is done. Even Notre Dame can get a shot if they win out because they didn't lose to a I-AA team on Saturday.

This is why the top division in college football is a complete joke. Any other division in college has a playoff. You lose the first one, you've still got a chance at the title.

Loser Lloyd isn't fired yet. Save that for after they get owned by Ohio State again. There's no way you can coach the number 5 team in the country to the most epic loss in college athletics history and come back the following year.

Charlie Weis has to be glad Michigan fell on its face, otherwise everyone would be talking about the Irish getting a big dose of owned themselves.

Image by Leon Halip / Getty Images

Nukes on a plane Fortunately for I guess everyone between here and whatever's directly behind the middle of America on the globe, the nuclear warheads that traveled from North Dakota to Louisiana weren't fired.

The squadron commander whose plane took those warheads to Barksdale AFB was most definitely fired. I didn't know this, but you aren't supposed to fly nukes over the US. Imagine if one fell on St. Louis and detonated. It might take weeks for anyone to notice the place looked worse than usual.

I kid, I kid...

In addition to the munitions squadron commander who was relieved of his duties, crews involved with the mistaken load - including ground crew workers - have been temporarily decertified for handling munitions, one official said.

“There is no more serious issue than the security and proper handling of nuclear weapons,� Skelton said in a statement Wednesday. “The American people, our friends, and our potential adversaries must be confident that the highest standards are in place when it comes to our nuclear arsenal.�

That's right, and if you don't think our standards are high enough, why, we might just do something about it, like complain to Congress or something, except that it's September and there's a lot of new TV shows coming on, and the NFL starts this weekend.

Yeah, so there. It was only six warheads, anyway. And they really can't detonate just by falling, because the military says they can't, so quit worrying about it.

Get fired, everyone else is I've heard that back in the age of the dinosaurs, around 1955, getting fired was a really bad thing to happen to you. Companies didn't just toss your worthless butt out the door because they felt like it. You had to earn it by screwing up royally.

Compare that to today, where me, you, the person next to you on the Metro, nearly everyone has been fired, sometimes just for being on the payroll at a time when the company wants to cut expenses. It's just not a big deal.

In some cases, it could be a good career move, if you can believe CNET. You just have to get fired the right way...

As for the right way to do it, there are two ways - overtly and covertly. Let's take the covert option first. It's somewhat tricky, but it generally comes down to not fitting in, making a nuisance of yourself, being a negatron and complaining much of the time, or otherwise acting grumpy and making everyone around you feel uncomfortable.

If you're not happy, you're probably doing one or more of those anyway, so it shouldn't be too much of a stretch. If you keep it up for a while, you're likely to get caught up in the company's next layoff or RIF (reduction in force) which tend to happen periodically in this day and age.

Play your cards right, or wrong in this case, and the blissful life of Top Ramen, daytime TV, and bi-weekly unemployment checks can be yours. Who wants the stress of a job that sucks anyway?

Pirates scuttle GM, no one notices The NFL started up last night, and everyone I know is buzzing for the games this weekend. Baseball? That's where the Yankees buy up all the good players and win everything, right?

Wake me when someone wins the World Series, with games starting so late that nobody watches them on the West Coast either. I can't see how a kid in New York is going to stay up to see an Angels home game.

I've heard the attendance records are up, because there's nothing better than watching a grown man with 40 extra pounds of HGH muscle smack a ball 400 feet. Or even better, swing and miss, and nearly corkscrew himself into the ground.

Whatever. Leave a comment when someone actually drops a bunt in a game instead of swinging from their heels.

The point is, football has started, and the Pirates have fired their general manager. The Pirates are 61-79, so far back from the playoffs that they'll have to buy satellite dishes to catch the games. The Steelers are getting ready to go to Cleveland and kick the crap out of the Browns.

Who do you think people in Steeltown are more excited about? Yeah. But Pat Lackey may be the last Pirates fan who cares about baseball right now, and he's stoked that Dave Littlefield has been tossed out of Heinz Field...

Littlefield constantly did nothing to improve the team, often did things to make the team worse (Aramis Ramirez and Kenny Lofton for Bobby Hill and Jose Hernandez, turning down Ryan Howard for Kris Benson and getting Ty Wigginton instead, making terrible, senseless draft picks, I could go on but I won't). Instead of getting fired, his reward has consistently been a contract extension on or near Opening Day.

You know who feels his pain? Detroit Lions fans, who have to see Matt Millen keep navigating the team into a brick wall year after year without repercussions.

As a Padres and Chargers fan, I feel for both sets of fans, Pirates and Lions. Really. I feel like I can't think about how much better off I am as a sports fan, without going into a giggling fit in front of people.

Job cuts going to the house People working in the home loan biz are having about as much fun as LT did running the ball against the Bears on Sunday. If you're doing real estate loans or anything related to mortgages, I'd like to suggest you familiarize yourself with Simply Hired.

Cuz ol' Bloomberg News says you're looking at being totally fired really soon...

The worst U.S. housing slump in 16 years may lead mortgage companies to eliminate almost 100,000 jobs, more than double the number already cut this year.

"When you're born in a boom, you generally die in a bust,'' Countrywide Chief Executive Officer Angelo Mozilo said in an interview after the Calabasas, California-based company announced the cuts eliminating about 20 percent of the 55,000 employees it had at the start of the year.

Countrywide is that loan place that has an office in damn near every strip mall in the country. They're going to snuff so many people I half expect to start hearing that Celine Dion song from Titanic when they start making the cuts. All those careers being drowned, ya know?

Those are going to be some depressing networking meetings when the ranks of the unemployed swell with these loan sharks. "Hey Jim, how's the housing market looking?" "It looks FREAKING terrible, you dumbass, don't you read Yahoo Finance, the whole market is marinating in cream of crap soup!"

Speaking of making cuts, is it too soon to ask the Chargers to fire Norv Turner? Nobody could stop LT last year. This year Norv manages to hold the MVP to 25 rushing yards. Because LT is the greatest football player to ever put on pads, he still managed to win the game by running for one TD and throwing for another.

Fire Norv. Please?

Remember...



Images courtesy of the 911 Digital Archive.

Waiter fired for heroism Juan Canales didn't want his customer to have a side of carjacking with her order, so he stopped it from happening. The carjacking, I mean...

Canales was fired after subduing a knife-wielding man who tried to steal Massiel Marquardt's Honda CRV outside the restaurant, at 979 State Road 84. After Canales got suspect Albert Means on the ground, three other men helped hold Means down until police arrived.

Canales spent an hour talking to police and the media. He returned to work but when the lunch shift ended, his boss fired him. No one answered the phone at 84 Thai Food Tuesday.

His ex-boss is quite the asshat, and a graduate of the Compleat Dick School of Management. Just like lots of people who get a little authority in the workplace. He let Juan take care of the lunch crowd, then told him he was canned. Classy.

Juan won't be job hunting for too long, since the news report about him said he's got plenty of job offers from people who skipped Dick School on their way to the workforce.

Ever go up against someone with a knife? That's just scary. If Juan has a motorcycle, he probably needs a sidecar for his massive stones.

His old boss at the Thai place deserves a long weekend spent in the company of E coli. Who is your porcelain god now?

Mysterious war hawk fired by ABC This story is bigger than the Futon Of Love, and that's saying something because I got one of the nicer futons I could find.

ABC fired Alexis Dubat, though the language is 'asked him to resign'. That happened when he couldn't prove he really had a Ph.D from the Sorbonne, or La Sorbonne as the French call it.

The more you dig into this guy, the more questions you have to have. I know I do, and I'd rather be wondering if LT's going to have a better game against the SpyPatriots than he did against Da Bears.

His terrorism stuff about al-Qaeda and its people was solid, but an interview with Barack Obama that had his name on it never took place.

Attytood says the guy may have been helping drum up support for a war on Iran. Editor & Publisher said he faked interviews with a bunch of famous people besides Hillary Clinton's favorite Senator from Illinois.

Attytood has the scary stuff. You worry about this, I'll be hiding under my futon...

His work should cause a re-examination of all of ABC News' investigative reporting on both terrorism and Iran over the last couple of years, because -- wittingly or unwittingly -- no other network has better served the Bush agenda in the Middle East.

Image courtesy of The Nixon Center, where he doesn't work anymore either.

Joan goes blogging, Lisa hits the carpet That sound you didn't hear during the Emmys was the voice of Joan Rivers. E! decided to skew a lot younger, by like a thousand years, and gave Joan and Melissa the heave ho in favor of Lisa Rinna.

Really, E could have put Tutankhamen's mummy out there to chat up Eva Longoria, and it still would have brought the average age down after dismissing Joan to blogland.

All I can say about Lisa Rinna is wow, don't search for pictures of her on Google from work. If you need Emmy stuff, here's a link, you have my pity.

On to more important matters. The Chargers lost to the Patriot Acts and their spymaster, Bill Belichick, on Sunday. I won't bore you with the crushing depression and ennui that ensued after that.

Is it too soon to start the fire Norv Turner bandwagon? LT has been running uphill for two weeks, Rivers isn't reminding anyone of Dan Fouts, or Ryan Leaf thank the football gods. The D got toasted for 38 points. I did not enjoy the view from the Futon Of Love. There is anger in my heart.

College football doesn't interest me a whole lot. Fanhouse has a great video about coaches who lose to Mississippi State ending up on Retirement Lane. Someone call me when 1-A or the Bowl Championship Division, or whatever Myles Brand and the crooks in NCAA Central call it now, decide a playoff would be a good idea.

Image courtesy JoanRiversBlog.com

Knicks fouled over firing executive They're putting the screws to the guy who keeps giving Isiah Thomas contract extensions. James Dolan runs the big cable company that owns the Knicks. He's getting unfriendly questions about firing Anucha Brown Sanders, their ex-marketing executive who's accused Isiah of sexual harassment.

Because Jimmy D is a rich white guy, he got to testify by videotape instead of chilling out with the masses while waiting his turn in the witness stand. He fired Angry Anucha for interfering with the Knicks' probe into her accusations against Isiah...

Dolan said another company executive, Rusty McCormack, told him in a helicopter ride to his office at the midtown Manhattan arena that Browne Sanders was impeding the investigation by asking employees in her department to write memos documenting their recollections of abusive behavior directed at her.

Browne Sanders was "essentially attempting to coerce her direct reports'' and "influence the process,'' Dolan said.

Dolan said she was fired within 24 hours.

"I don't know where the investigation was at that point,'' he said in his testimony.

That should make her attorneys pretty gleeful. "You fired Anucha without knowing how far along your investigation was into her accusations?"

Mmmmm, that's the sweet smell of lots of money being offered in a settlement I think I'm smelling. Maybe that will keep Isiah from taking on another crappy player with a massive contract this season.

Teacher flunks Hysterical Parents 101 I know I would have liked having a teacher who assigned edgy graphic novels as reading material.

Not everyone feels quite the same way, which is why Nate Fisher had to quit his English teacher job...

The book, one of a series of comic book novels by Daniel Clowes, is called "Eightball #22." It includes references to rape, various sex acts and murder, as well as images of a naked woman, and a peeping tom watching a woman in the shower.

"It’s not even like a gray area," the father said. "It’s clearly over the line."

He said Fisher gave the student the book almost three weeks ago to make up for a summer reading assignment. The book is not part of the school’s regular curriculum.

I'll give him an A for taste and an F for handing Eightball #22 to a 14 year old girl. The parents sound like some seriously joyless people. If they think they're being shocked now, wait until their princess arrives on a college campus for her first Rush Week.

Image courtesy of Fantagraphics Books

Hooked by eBay, sacked by bosses "It's on eBay" goes the slogan...that doesn't include jobs though, does it? You need the witty, charming, and urbane geeks at Simply Hired to help you find a job.

eBay helped some Welshers find the exit door from their jobs. They were some type of council workers. It's not their fault, though, really! Their union has a scapegoat...

One was sacked and two resigned after managers at Neath Port Talbot Council found some staff were spending up to two hours a day on the website.

Union officials have blamed bosses for "putting temptation in their way" - by allowing access to the internet.

Yes, like the Tree of Life and its shiny red apple, the little icon for the web browser proved too much for the trio. All they had to do was labor over forms in triplicate, and probably hundreds of consonants in a row before hitting a vowel, them being Welsh and all.

Feel bad for the people who still work there. They're the ones who will probably get shafted with new Internet access policies. "You were viewing a non-work related website." "It was for the local weather!" "Get your stuff and get out, lazy bastard."

Nintendo contractor gets Game Over pink slip Today is one of those exceptionally rare days that I'm actually talking to Lucas, my lifeline into the warm and happy fuzziness of the best little job search site out there, Simply Hired. He's got some questions about an expense report I've filed.

He accurately pointed out that I've never submitted an expense report before. I explain that it's an extraordinary circumstance, the night Halo 3 hits retail shelves.

Lucas has all these droning questions. Why do you need a windowless van, chloroform, bleach, quicklime, a shovel, and a red flashlight? Why do you have a scrapbook filled with 90 different news stories about the Chargers and their losses this year?

Why do you have 18 pages of carefully annotated notes on Norv Turner's movements, known associates, all cross-referenced onto maps? You're not upset that the Chargers lost again, are you Fred?

Three minutes later, he's pulling me out of the driver's seat of a windowless Econoline. No, Fred! It's not worth it, please! We're talking federal charges here!

He waves a neat little firing tale in front of me. This will take your mind off Norv Tur...

Another few minutes pass, and we're outside the van again. Please just read it, he says.

This is what passes for righteous justice, in Lucas' mind. I have to admit, it's pretty funny. There was this Nintendo contractor, who had lots to say about her co-workers on her personal blog...

One post on Zenner's blog--titled "The Daily Weed"--begins with her disputing her friends' perception that she is a pothead. She digresses into a wry tirade against one of her bosses: "One plus about working with [a] hormonal, facial-hair-growing, frumpy [woman] is that I have found a new excuse to drink heavily," Zenner writes. "My gut tells me that this woman hasn't been fucked in years."

Much as I'd like to read the original post, the fired blogger, Jessica Zenner alias 'Jessica Carr' has wiped out that entry, and probably a bunch more.

I've got some advice for her. The next contract gig you take, Jessica, have them let you work from home. No daycare expense and no frumpy bosses in your face. I know I'd have a hard time handling seeing Lucas every damn day.

Professor snakebit over Adam and Eve You have to understand that we really don't have free speech in this country. There are "third rails" you just can't touch and expect people to handle a critical observation without getting emotional and trying to punch a ticket for a courtroom jackpot.

So this community college professor got fired for treating his students like thinking adults...

Adjunct professor Steve Bitterman said administrators at Southwestern Community College in Red Oak sided with students who became upset when he called parts of the Old Testament a fairy tale that should not be interpreted literally.

He made the comment in a class last Tuesday and was fired two days later.

Even better, he told one of these poor little crybabies to pop a Prozac. Being a good American, she ran straight to a lawyer...

Both sides say the conflict arose from remarks Bitterman made in a Western Civilization class about the biblical story of Adam and Eve. He said he approached the topic from an academic and symbolic standpoint, rather than a factual one. Bitterman maintains he wanted to spark debate. But he instead sparked a controversy over academic freedom and the perceived lack of support from administrators for part-time teachers.

Bitterman said the Prozac comment was a joke meant to disarm a student who "was screeching at me."

Sorry professor, but there are just some things you can't do. Treating young adults like adults is one of them. Hope you're not a bitter man after this. Oh, sorry, I guess you are.

Reasons to be bummed out at work Just in case raises that are less that inflation, endless meetings, numerous reports, and the usual band of idiots in management haven't ruined your day, here's a chunk of the Funtasticus list of reasons to be cynical, all related to your crummy, unrewarding job...

losing most of our day to meaningless work
having to play office politics
having to play golf with your superiors
the term “superiors�
the term “subordinates�
cubicles and other sensory deprivation cells
people who thrive in cubicles
people who thrive on 14-hour workdays
people who take their cell phones on vacation
“A� students who end up working for “C� students
“It takes money to make money�
“It’s not what you know, it’s who you know�
the “power words� used on resumes to impress employers
the fact that employers are impressed with power words on resumes
college graduates who have to settle for a job at Blockbuster
the salaries of liberal arts graduates in the business world
the miseries of liberal arts graduates in the business world
prostituting yourself for less than a prostitute makes
staying at a job you detest because the alternatives are even worse
people who get promoted on the basis of the right shoes or haircut
people who get promoted because they resemble their vice president
executive bonuses that exceed your annual salary
the “fast track�
the “glass ceiling�
being underemployed
being overworked
being reprimanded
being ignored
being framed
being demoted
being moved into the hallway
watching everyone but you rise to the level of their incompetence
the annual incomes of CEOs
the writing ability of CEOs
multimillion-dollar “golden parachutes� awarded to dismissed CEOs
the practice of terminating veteran employees a year before retirement
the term “terminating�
“leveraging�
“targeting�
“impacting�
calling downsizing “rightsizing�
downsizing profitable companies for the sole purpose of wooing investors
the fact that investors reward companies for downsizing
the fact that companies now exist primarily to woo investors
bonuses and stock options for executives who “trimmed the fat�

That's just the job-related chunk of the list. Depressed yet? Go read the rest. That'll do the trick.

Lab tech bites boy, suffers job overbite Reason for leaving last job: fired for biting autistic 3 year old boy, but the little monster bit me first!

Anyone else perceive a problem for the unnamed lab tech, now perusing the job market after being fired for too much toothiness in the workplace...

A former lab technician admitted to investigators she bit an autistic boy during a blood test, but said the 3-year-old had bitten her first, Indianapolis police said Wednesday.

The boy's mother, Faith Buntin, took him to St. Vincent in Indianapolis for a blood test because of recent recalls of toys involving lead. Buntin said that as the technician restrained the boy so a colleague could draw blood, the worker restraining him put her mouth on the boy's shoulder.

Buntin said the worker told her, "it was just a play bite," and that the boy wasn't hurt.

Everyone's sorry this happened - the nibbly tech, the hospital, the tech's subcontractor, so I'm sure this will quickly blow over and be forgotten.

Ok, I'm kidding. I won't be at all surprised if the family sues damn near everyone involved, including Peyton Manning because his name is on the hospital too. Look for the outraged statement from a lawyer, tearful kiddie pictures, media sniping, and finally a terse statement that a settlement has been reached.

Opera stirs drama by firing soprano It takes a special person to appreciate the nuances of opera. Fortunately, it doesn't take much skill to make fun of the opera when it engages in a public meltdown with one of its stars.

The Lyric Opera in Chicago sandbagged Romanian soprano Angela Gheorghiu just before she was supposed to open in La Boheme. She hit a bad noted with the Lyric's management...

"It is with tremendous regret and sadness that we are compelled to take this action, but Miss Gheorghiu's actions have shown total disregard for Lyric Opera's dedicated personnel and for her fellow artists," said Lyric general director William Mason in a statement.

"Miss Gheorghiu has missed 6 of 10 rehearsals, including the piano dress rehearsal and both staging rehearsals with the orchestra. She missed one of the most critical stage-orchestra rehearsals when she left the city for New York without permission, a direct violation of her contract." Gheorghiu also refused to attend fittings for the new costumes she herself had demanded, he added.

She's married to a tenor, and the two of them have such a great reputation for hissy fits that they're known as opera's Bonnie and Clyde.

Airy Angela wanted a couple of days off to be with her husband in New York. It just so happens he's singing in the romantic "Romeo et Juliette" alongside stunning soprano Anna Netrebko, who's six years younger than Angela...

"I asked Lyric Opera to let me go to New York for two days to be with him, and they said, 'No.' But I needed to be by Roberto's side at this very important moment," Gheorghiu said in a statement. "I have sung 'Boheme' hundreds of times, and thought missing a few rehearsals wouldn't be a tragedy."

Very important moment, eh? I'm thinking she wanted to be on hand with some weed-killer in case her hubby and his co-star showed signs of a budding romance.

Image courtesy of Wikimedia. Newly found respect for Anna Netrebko courtesy of Google image search.