SimplyFired Gets Back 2 Work

Been a long time, been a long time, been a long lonely lonely lonely time. Lonely on the blog side of Simply Fired, that is. Listen real close and you can hear the electrons crying out for companionship. How many mock-worthy firings have we missed over the months?

Far too many, and we've decided it's time to fix that. Say hello to a new avatar at the office. The blogger we know simply as Fred, or we should say Simply Fred, has held quite a few jobs. He's also managed to lose a few, generally through a combination of misinformation and bad judgment calls--but we’ll save these for another day. In the meantime, Fred will be bringing you the daily pink slip report. Fire away, Fred…

Grounded by NWA? Try dumpster diving!

"Thank you for flying with Northwest Airlines, the almost-fired employees appreciate your accidental disposal of fungible items in the trash receptacles."

All is not well at Northwest Airlines. Its soon-to-be-ex-employees are not impressed with NWA's efforts at easing the transition into poverty with a helpful four-page guide on "Preparing for a financial setback". You might say there is less than riotous enthusiasm.

The airline's employee assistance provider, NEAS, says "Mastering life's challenges require balance and, sometimes, a helping hand" on their site. NWA's about-to-be-fired only saw one finger on the hand being displayed by this guide, which NEAS produced, and blogger Ryan (who's Cool by Association) helpfully grabbed and posted to his site.

Here's a little of the oh-so-helpful advice. I'll point out some glaring contradictions.

Change the oil in your car yourself regularly. - Assuming it doesn't get repoed when you can't make the payments.

Get pre-approval from your medical insurance company before undergoing any procedures or tests. - That's the same medical insurance you'll lose when you get laid off, right?

Don’t be shy about pulling something you like out of the trash. - I just love it when the neighbors notice me pulling a busted box fan out of the dumpster, don't you? "Hi Mister Silverman, nice fan, huh? A little electrical tape should take care of this. Can I borrow some electrical tape from you?"

Never grocery shop hungry. - That's great advice, I mean, who's ever heard of being nearly broke and hungry at the same time? Ravenous, maybe, but hungry? You passed that three days ago when dinner was Baked Library Card with Pencil Shavings.

...Simply Fred

Technorati Tags: Advice, Clueless Bosses

Sign language can be deadly

"Look right! No, your other r... SCREEEEEEEEEEEECCHHHHHHKACHUNNNK! Um. Sorry."

No official word on whether the cunning linguists behind this little mistranslation have been sacked or not, but this sign in Wales gives the kind of conflicting advice you normally see on a Three Stooges marathon while waiting for the mailman to drop off the unemployment check.

A traffic firm has apologised for a mistake on a bilingual road sign which gave conflicting advice to pedestrians.

The sign was spotted by a north Wales man during a shopping trip to the centre of Cardiff.

In English the sign read 'Look Right,' but underneath the translation into Welsh read 'Look Left.'

Lux Traffic Controls removed the sign as soon as they realised there was a mistake and also apologised for the "misunderstanding".

You have to admire the English. The prospect of someone's incompetence possibly leading a pedestrian into the path of a lorry driven by a sleep-deprived energy-drink-and-cigarette-fueled maniac is a "misunderstanding." Do they call an actual Kenworth-pedestrian meeting an "inconvenience?"

...Simply Fred

Technorati Tags: Misunderstandings, Government

A governor, a babysitter, and fired people

I'll slip you an extra dollar on Saturday when you watch the kids, if things go my way here, heh heh."

This story has a couple of great names that just roll off the tongue. Blagojevich and Bukraba. Bukraba and Blagojevich. Sounds like a butcher shop in Wicker Park in Chicago.

Rod Blagojevich is the Governor of Illinois, while Betty Bukraba is his babysitter. She's also got a place on a state Civil Service Commission that will decide if Blagojevich fired a couple of state workers appropriately or not...

The commission in the coming months will be asked to decide the fate of two personnel agency workers Blagojevich fired for allegedly fixing the hiring process.

Jay Stewart of the Better Government Association says the situation raises questions about Bukraba's bias.

The two ex-staffers, says their lawyer, did their employment evil at the behest of Blagojevich aides. Meanwhile, the Feds have taken an interest. So who gets fired next? Bukraba? Blagojevich? Me? Hey, it's happened before.

Technorati Tags: Fired, Blagojevich, Bukraba

Fired reporter unclear on the 'plagiarism' concept I'm getting the feeling Utah is going to be for us what Florida is for Fark.

Shinika Sykes filed a story with Utah's largest newspaper, the Salt Lake Tribune, that was just a little too close to something in a University of Utah paper, The Daily Utah Chronicle. Sykes put up a defense but earned a well-deserved pink slip for her actions...

"I talked to everybody in that story, and that's what I told them. There's nothing untrue in that story. There's nothing false in that story, and I talked to everyone," said Sykes, who started at The Tribune in February 1993.

Ok, nothing false in that story, she says, as if it would be surprising if it was. Ya see, when a reporter plagiarizes a story, well, that means she copied it. So yeah, there's nothing false because the frigging original story wasn't false either!

One last note – Sykes was a reporter on the higher education beat. Maybe she learned those copying skills in college. Wouldn't it be cool if she actually attended U of Utah too?

Tags: Fired, Utah, Nothing false in that story

Radio Shack – you got questions, we've got blank stares. Nothing says 'sensitive human resources department' (itself an oxymoron) quite like jettisoning your deadweight middle managers with a round of emails...

"The work force reduction notification is currently in progress," read an e-mail delivered Tuesday morning. "Unfortunately, your position is one that has been eliminated."

A company representative told the Associated Press that employees were informed that layoff notices would be delivered electronically and that employees were welcome to use the company's intranet to submit questions before the layoffs occurred.

I can imagine the questions that I'd like to ask. Most of them would involve asking about orifices in HR personnel and how far a range of large objects with hard edges could fit into them.

What are they going to do, fire me anyway?

Technorati Tags: Fired, Email, Insensitive

Carolyn Kepcher Trumped by The Donald's daughter The NY Post, bastion of readable journalism, said The Apprentice will be minus Carolyn, who had to have been on the receiving end of one of Donny Combover's "You're Fired!" fingerpoints...

"She became a prima donna," said one insider. "Being on 'The Apprentice' went to her head. She was no longer focused on business. She was giving speeches for $25,000 and doing endorsements."

"Trump told her what she had to do was take some time off and spend it with her family, and then get another job," said an insider.

Uh oh, Carolyn must have left the cellphone off while she was telling a room full of pasty-faced businessmen (who bought her book, "Carolyn 101: Business Lessons from 'The Apprentice's' Straight Shooter") how to succeed in the world of business, while banking a nice appearance fee for doing so. I'd like to suggest Rule #1: make sure the boss can reach you, especially if he's a billionaire egomaniac with a reality show about firing people.

Fortunately, The Donald can keep it all in the family for season six...

His daughter, Ivanka, has replaced Carolyn as one of Trump's two on-air sidekicks, while son Don Jr. is the successor to gruff real-estate lawyer George Ross, 78.

Technorati Tags: Fired, The Donald, Nepotism